Living with Grief

Music: I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston

Living Without Laurie

Dr. Lockhart and Bertha

Bertha and Gwen

Right after Laurie died I don't know what I would have done without my husband, Gwen, Dr. Lockhart, Bertha, my mom, family and other fellow coworkers. Gwen and Dr. Lockhart viewed Laurie's body for me and made sure she looked okay before we had the closed casket funeral. Dr. Lockhart has always been understanding when I couldn't work without crying, couldn't concentrate, and sort of just sat there at work. Gwen has always been there for me, never forgets Laurie's birthday or anniversary, and knows how sad the holidays make me feel. Bertha is always there for me to talk to or cry with. Bertha's granddaughter just had a baby girl. She named her after Laurie and asked us to be godparents.

Dr. Lockhart donated a chair in the new Pediatric Hospital conference room in Laurie's memory. Gwen always calls me on Laurie's birthday and angel date, as well as on all holidays. Not even my family does that. Laurie loved Gwen so much. She always said "Mama, we've got to find Gwen a man." In fact, we had made plans to go to a male dance spot in Houston after we got back home from Boston and take Gwen to see the men dance. Lois Castiglioni always donates money in Laurie's name for Christmas and always remembers her on the holidays. Dr. Millican (my dentist) always donates money in Laurie's name for Christmas. Mary Ann Elliott (the mother of one of Laurie's classmates) always remembers Laurie's birthday, anniversary of her death, sends me cards for the holidays and puts things on Laurie's grave on special days. Kelly Webb always remembers Laurie's birthday and puts something on her grave on special days. They were good friends. My coworkers light candles for her on the second Sunday in December at 7 P.M. which honors all children who were taken to heaven before their earthly dreams could be fulfilled.

I attended one Compassionate Friends meeting after Laurie died and received their monthly newletters for the first seven years. I attended the Christmas ceremony and lit a candle for her the first Christmas after she died. It was a very moving experience and that was the only one I went to. Gwen and Nancy and Nancy's mother went with me and Gwen told of Laurie's death as I lit the candle. I couldn't talk to do it myself without crying. Recently they organized a Compassionate Friends in Galveston county which is closer to me. I plan to attend as many of those meetings as I can.

I contacted an organization called Alive Alone for families who have lost their only or all of their children and are childless now. I receive their newsletters and have written several articles about Laurie and put her picture on the front of two of them in her memory.

I can tell anyone in the first stages of grief that it is so hard, you think you will never get through it alive. I didn't. I would get so frustrated and angry, I would have to do something physical. So I would go home and start doing things in my yard. The first year after Laurie died I think I must have put three flower beds in my front yard. I would go out there and pound on the ground and wear out my frustrations and anger. Over the almost ten years since she died, I have put nine flower beds in total in my front and back yards, including one completely around a 16 foot round wooden deck. Needless to say, they are a lot of work to keep up now and as I get older I will probably regret doing it. But at the time it did help with my anger to get out there and pound on something.

This is the first one I did. You can't see the top of the pole, but there are five lights on it that come on at night. The cat on the sidewalk is Fuzzy, Laurie's third pet. He was 14 when we had to have him put to sleep in 2001.

I put pictures of Laurie along with poems or some other thing I have written in the paper on special days, her birthday, the anniversary of her death, Mother's day, and some holidays. On the day she would have graduated from high school, I put a picture of her kindergarden graduation in the paper. That is the only time I would ever see her in a cap and gown. She was precious!

BROKEN HEART

ONCE A HEART IS SHATTERED, CAN IT EVER MEND?
ONCE YOUR SPIRIT IS BROKEN, CAN IT BE WHOLE AGAIN?
EACH LITTLE PIECE IS SACRED, EACH LITTLE PIECE MUST FIT.
BUT WHEN A PIECE IS GONE ,. THERE IS NO REPLACEMENT FOR IT.

WE LEARN TO LAUGH AND SMILE AGAIN, FEEL GUILTY WHEN WE DO.
WE LEARN TO LIVE OUR LIVES AGAIN, ALL THE WHILE MISSING YOU.
I KNOW YOU WANT TO SEE US SMILING AND HAPPY FOR YOU.
YOU'RE IN HEAVEN ANGEL, BUT WE WISH WE COULD SEE YOU TOO.

MY HEART, IT FEELS SO HEAVY, AND YET I SMILE FOR YOU AND LAUGH.
SOMETIMES I WANT TO SCREAM --THIS SMILE IS JUST A MASK....
IF ONLY IT WERE TOMORROW, YOU KNOW THAT GOLDEN DAY
WHEN ONCE AGAIN I WILL HOLD YOU AND THE PAIN WILL FADE AWAY.
TILL THEN, MY LOVE, I HOLD YOU IN MY BROKEN HEART.
I'M TRYING TO LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN.
TODAY IS A BRAND NEW START.

I FOUND THIS POEM ON A WEB PAGE CALLED ANGEL MOMMIES.

Please take this dove and put it on your web site to spread our angel's love.