In Loving Memory of Laurie, My Angel In Heaven

Laurie Michelle Baer - My Angel In Heaven

In Loving Memory of Laurie Michelle Baer
October 31, 1976 - December 4, 1992

When Laurie died,
the biggest part of me died with her.
She was my only child.
There lies a hole in my heart that can never be filled,
a knife in my heart that can never be removed,
a void in my life that can never be replaced,
an ache that will never stop,
and my life was changed forever.
I didn't think I would survive an hour without her,
much less a day, a week, a month, a year.
Now it has been many years since she left this earth
and each day it is harder and harder
to find a reason just to get out of bed .
There's no place I want to go, nothing I want to do,
nothing I want to buy. I only want Laurie
and only God knows when that day will be.
Until then I have to be satisfied
with my dreams of her at night,
the pictures of her scattered
throughout the house,
and my memories of her.

You're in my thoughts, you're in my dreams.
You're in everything I say and do.
You never leave me.

I love to dream about you. They are so real.
You're alive, we're together.
Shopping, driving, laughing, crying.
I feel your fears, your joys, and I'm so Happy.
But the dreams end, and I'm alone again without you.

The times we spent together are like fleeting moments.
Sometimes it seems like only yesterday
that I held you and kissed you.
Other times it feels like forever since I held you
in my arms, heard you laugh,
braided your long brown hair.
Sometimes it feels like it really never happened,
like you were never here.
Am I losing you?

Sometimes I'll remember something about her
that I had forgotten.Like the way she used
to swish the coke around in her mouth before
she swallowed it. Then I'll begin to cry
because I had forgotten that already.
I'm so afraid I'm going to forget her,
to lose her completely in time.
As time goes by, will she go with it?
Will I lose her?
That is why I try to think
of her and keep her in my thoughts and dream
of her always. I don't want to lose her memory
like I lost her physically.
I'll die if that happens

I watched a movie once a long time ago,
before Laurie died. It was about a woman
whose daughter had died and she had left town.
Then whenever she came back no one ever wanted
to be around her because she talked about her
daughter, about the things she used to say and do,
like she was still alive. All the neighbors could
think was "she acts like she is still alive."
She knew that all of her old friends didn't want
to be around her, (and I know that too. I guess
they think maybe we'll bring them bad luck.
I don't know.) One day she could tell she was
making everyone feel uncomfortable, so she broke
down and cried and told one of them "I'm so afraid
I'm going to forget her if I don't keep talking
about her." And that is my greatest fear!
Her memories are alive now, but for how long.
How long can I wait to be with her again?

Sometimes I think that I can't endure it any more.
Then I think about Jesus' promise that we'll be
together again. But the time isn't coming
soon enough. I had nightmares for years of seeing her
lying in a casket. That's why I had a closed casket
funeral. My two best friends viewed her and told
me she looked beautiful. And now many years
have come and gone but I'm still here.
Where is my angel?